It has taken me 10 days to even begin to write this. I thought writing the post honoring my Mom was hard, but as it turns out, there was one waiting for me that has been much harder. My heart hurts. My heart hurts worse than it has ever hurt and in a way that I honestly did not know was even possible.
Sunday, April 16, 2023 at 3:49 pm, I said good night to my husband as he went to rest so he could be on time to deliver his load the following morning.
By the time I got up at 8 am on Monday, April 17, he was already gone. Not by any natural means, but by a horrific accident that no one saw coming.
I think natural would have been easier to deal with.
Steve and I met in 2018 at a time when I had given up on love. I had been hurt and damaged far too many times and really was not looking for someone new.
They say you find what you need when you least expect it.
They were right.
Before I knew it, we had blended families and for the next five years, life was amazing.
Sure, we had our issues; every couple does, but when push came to shove, we worked them out because in his words “we were stupid in love with each other.”
He’d say that and I have always said that he was the one I should have waited for.
So many times in the past ten days, my mind has replayed life lessons he taught me over the past five years or things he said to me that are only starting to sink in.
“Happiness should never be examined.”
“You’re not broken. Broken people can’t function. You’re just cracked and cracks can be repaired.”
Yes. He was my own personal Yoda and I called him that quite often.
He was the one who taught me how to laugh again; who taught me that love does not have to come with demands, strings, bruises or pain; who taught me what true happiness and real unconditional love looks and feels like.
He was my soul mate, my best friend, my fishing buddy and my heart. He was an amazing father to my children and one hell of a truck driver. He gave everything he had for me and the girls and loved that he was able to provide for us that way.
And he is terribly missed by everyone who knew him.
Healing and grief are funny things. We know there are different levels of grief, but until you experience those different levels in a very real way, I don’t think it’s possible for us to understand.
In other words, the grief I felt with my parents is nothing compared to the grief of losing my soulmate. There is a Grand Canyon sized cavern between the two.
It is because of that grief that I’m writing this, I think.
I don’t bring religion into this site very often. I’m not a religious website and believe it really has no place in what I blog about, but if you’re the praying sort, I would sure appreciate a word sent up for me. If you don’t pray, a positive thought or vibe sent my way is appreciated too.
My life will never be the same. My heart will never be the same. I have been loved with a kind of love I never thought possible and the loss of that has changed me in ways I could never begin to explain.
But, my life does have to go on. I’m still here and normalcy has to return sometime. It’s a new normal. It’s a normal I never wanted or asked for. But it’s the normal I’ve been dealt.
So, please, bear with me as I get things back up and running around here. I had cut drastically back to be a Mom, wife and because of my health issues. Now, I need this place to keep me sane for the moment and to financially care for myself and the girls (when they need help since they’re both adults on their own now).
Things are rather rough for us financially right now. If you would like to help, there is a GoFundMe that was created to help as Steve was the bulk of my own income and my girls both have missed quite a bit of time off work. I am not begging for donations so please don’t think that.
If, however, you do want to donate, you can do so at the yellow button directly below.
If you want to and can afford to donate and help, donate. If not, that is perfectly okay and I’m just grateful you’re reading this. Other ways to help are to share the posts you see on this site. That costs you nothing but helps us in ways most don’t know.
My heart hurts.
My soul hurts.
I am not broken. I am just massively cracked right now.
But, I will be okay. He would want me to be okay and he would not want me to get stuck mourning him.
So, like my note to him on the beach said, “until we meet again, my Love.”
Until we meet again.