The Brutal Truth Behind the Real Life 50 Shades of Grey

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Did you enjoy the Fifty Shades series? Gonna go see the movie? Real life and book/movie are not the same. I should know. I survived it. Find out the brutal truth behind the real life Fifty Shades from someone who has been there and done that.



Dear You Who Fantasize about Christian Grey,

What I am about to write isn’t easy for me. Actually, it’s a topic that I feel is better left in my past and until now I’ve been okay with doing just that. I purposely don’t reveal too much about my past on this blog because for the most part, those memories still haven’t been dealt with. Dealing with them would destroy me so instead I simply lock them away. Recently though, since a certain movie is about to hit theaters, it seems that my social media feeds are flooded with people even teens as young as 13 who are all about the books and movies, all about Christian Grey, all about what they think it would be like and are all being misled. So, for this short moment in time, I’m unlocking a few of those memories to share with you because if not, those books and movies may be the only peek into that particular subculture that most will even have and that isn’t okay with me.

I will also admit that I haven’t fully read the books and I won’t be going to see the movie(s). The books for me, triggered memories that I had buried long ago and the movie? I’m pretty certain would be even worse. I did make it almost entirely through the first book. After a solid week of nightmares, I chose not to read the rest or to see the movies.

Just a quick side note: this post isn’t safe for children.  I’m not going to do a lot of language censoring here so you may find yourself reading words that I normally wouldn’t use on the blog. Please trust when I say that it is necessary to really set the tone. If you can’t handle yourself with respect and as an adult? Move on.

I lived a very sheltered life growing up for the most part. Yes, I had my issues as a teenager, but even then I was still very sheltered. When I met my ex-husband, I had no idea what BDSM was. Literally none. I had never even heard some of the terms he was using in conversation in a sexual or relationship context. Words like master and slave, punishment, obey and I had no idea what I was in for. I moved 800 miles from home to be with him. It wasn’t until 3 years later that I finally came to my senses. When I moved in with him, I wasn’t scared of him and honestly believed that I had no reason to be. This was a man who loved me, right? He’d never injure or hurt me, right? Sure I was treading new water, but I truly had no fear of him. Looking back now, I realize that I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It started innocently in the truck on the way to his house. I stretched out across the seat to sleep and he placed his hand over my throat. I woke up when I felt a slight squeeze on my neck. It was then that I had my first “second thought” and wondered what I had gotten myself into. At that point though, I was broke and almost 600 miles away from anything and anyone I knew and on a major interstate at night so I was essentially stuck. Then, I was no longer allowed to call him by his name. Instead, I was made to call him something entirely different that stood for “Master *insert his name here*.” Then I had to ask permission for anything I wanted to do; even something as simple as getting a drink or going to the bathroom. Next came the rules which I’ll explain below and then?

The first time he forced me. See what I did there? To this day, almost 5 years later, I still can’t call it what it was. You can figure it out on your own and once you do, please understand that it wasn’t the only time it happened and that there was more than one part of my body that he enjoyed forcing.

Next he introduced the the chains at night. You read that right. I slept with one wrist chained to the bed frame at night. Thank God that we never had a fire because I truly believe that he would have left me chained there.

The first time he hit me – flat out hit me with no sex or foreplay involved – was on the front porch of our home in front of God and everyone including his teenage sons. It was a punishment because I had gotten upset that he had spent $80.00 of our weekly grocery money on something frivolous for his bicycle. He rode a lot and a $80 basket that ended up broken a week later was not worth losing that grocery money. No amount of storage on a bike is worth taking food out of your family’s mouth. I hid in the closet after. His brother – a good man – had to talk me out of the closet. His brother never knew anything but I have often wondered if he would have even believed me if he had.

The house rules were simple: There was God’s law, man’s law, and his law. I was to follow his law as long as it didn’t break God’s or Man’s. In other words? I had zero say in anything. I couldn’t wear what I wanted and he would only allow me to wear skirts and dresses with no panties. Why no panties? Because I had to “be ready for him whenever he decided he wanted me.”

I couldn’t eat what I wanted to or even decide for myself how much I would eat. He chose that for me. I can remember gagging down bean and bacon soup one day because I had been told that I had to eat it and would “displease him” if I didn’t. I hate beans. I haven’t eaten them since I left.

I wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom without his permission. Actually, I couldn’t leave the room at all without his permission. I was almost always never without him by my side. At times, he talked about making me wear what are called slave bells on my ankles so that he would always know where I was in the house for those rare moments when I wasn’t in the same room as him.

On the extremely rare chance that I went somewhere alone, I had to be on his time getting back. If I didn’t get back on time –  if I was even a few minutes late –  I was punished. Ask anyone that knows me and they’ll tell you that I don’t run on real time…I run on Stacy time and yes, I was punished for being late…a lot. His punishments could include anything from keeping me away from my child, forcing me to perform a sexual act on him or beating me with his crop, whip or fist. One time he made me eat cigarette butts as a punishment and another time he made me put the cigarette out on my tongue.

As our relationship progressed, the equipment he felt the need to use got worse. He brought home headgear that would open my mouth far past what it was ever meant to, instruments that would bruise my skin and even tear it open depending on how hard he had hit me with it, industrial chains, and more.  To this day, my jaw still pops in and out of place randomly and I still can’t look at a regular cable zip tie without almost hyperventilating.

Even things that were never meant to be used in an abusive manner were used as such. He had a Smith rack – a very large weight lifting machine/rack that he liked to use. I remember being bent over that bar and chained to the bottom weight more times than I can count. If I wasn’t bent over it, my hands were tied together and then to the top bar. I’m 5’3″ so I would end up on my tippy toes only to be left there. One of his fantasies that he often threatened me with involved tying me in that tippy toe position and a wooden block. It terrified me and he knew it and used it to keep me in line.

I also remember the final time he put me across the bar. He had chained me by the neck so tightly that I couldn’t breathe and fought. I fought so hard that I broke the chain and “his” collar and went flying backwards. I freed myself from the chain, but I also got a black eye and 3 broken teeth (now pulled) in exchange for breaking the chain and collar.

The basement was also a favorite tool of his. He would chain me to one of the support pillars, strip me naked, leave me there and only return when he felt the need to beat me with whatever implement he happened to have in his hand. If he wasn’t beating me down there, he would leave me there alone to sit naked in the cold and dark for hours until he felt I had been punished long enough. I can still remember hearing my then three year old daughter asking where I was through the heating vents.

She never saw anything. I am thankful for that at least. 

His anger got worse as time went on. In the 3 years we were together, he threw a chair through a dining room window, smashed a flat screen tv and took a hammer to a desktop computer just to cement that I needed to fear him. He would get mad while driving, speed up and threaten to crash the van.

He would tell me what a horrible mother I was, how my daughter would be better off without me, how the entire world would be better off if I was dead. I was a “stupid bitch,” “nothing but a c*m receptacle,” a “dirty w*ore” and more. He convinced me that everyone around me believed what he was telling me too. He drove my friends away and kept me at arm’s length from my family.

Then there were the moments when I needed to prove that I loved him. I have two circular scars – one on each breast – from one of the more memorable of those moments. To him, providing my love meant putting a cigarette out on each breast. I did it simply because not doing it would have resulted in worse.

Even after all of that, I stayed. He had won. He had convinced me that I needed him. He had separated me from the only people I knew I could run to (my family and friends). He had convinced me that I couldn’t make it on my own and that I was worthless without him. It really was the literal definition of brainwashing. The humiliation that he liked to inflict –  things like making me wear a necklace that read “slut” in public, pissing on me as a punishment, making me kneel naked on grains of rice for hours, slapping me in front of his sons, tracking my weight and making me crawl around the house wearing a cow mask while mooing if I gained even 1 lb over what he wanted and more – all convinced me that he was right. In my mind, at the time, I really was worthless and really was incapable of being on my own…and I truly believed that I was his property.

I lied for him. I covered it up, looking important people in our lives, directly in the eye and lying right to them. People did ask.  I would tell them everything was fine, smile and change the direction of the conversation.

It wasn’t fine and neither was I. I felt lower than anyone should ever feel. Have you ever been so depressed that you no longer felt human? I have. It was then that I started drinking again, hiding the vodka in places that he wouldn’t think to check, sneaking shots (or double shots depending on how bad the day was) from the time I got up until the time I had to go to bed. The booze made it all easier to deal with. It changed my attitude though which only got me into more trouble. It made me angry. It made me bitter. It made me mean. My daughter still refers to me during that time period as “Monster Mom.” It changed me, but it made the pain easier to handle. It numbed what I was feeling inside and there was relief that came with that. I didn’t feel sub-human anymore. I didn’t feel anything actually.

I wish I could say that was all that happened, but in truth it wasn’t. The stuff that I have left out, I won’t touch. Those memories are buried far too deep for me to even access anymore and they will stay there. I can’t afford, both literally and figuratively, to bring them to the surface. I’ have come far too far and have worked too hard since leaving  to risk the damage that bringing them to light would do, but to make a very long story short, I finally left.

I didn’t stay gone though. I told you that he had won and he had. I had been convinced that I needed him to survive so even though I had gotten completely away from him,  I actually packed up and took a Greyhound back to him because I was so convinced that I needed him to survive. I’m actually grateful that he wouldn’t let me move back in. It may have landed me in a homeless shelter, but truth is that II needed that shelter. I needed to be forced to pick up the pieces. I needed to see that I really could stand on my own and that even though he thought otherwise? I am a damn good mother.

I tell you all of this not to make you feel sorry for me. Please don’t. I stayed. I don’t view any of what happened as being my fault except for that one thing. I stayed. Yes, I realize that my mind had been twisted. Yes I realize that I wasn’t okay. For me personally though, none of that matters. I stayed.  With that said though, every bit of it helped shape me into who I am today and I’m generally okay with who I am today.

The thing is though?

All of it? Everything I went through?

 THAT is the Christian Grey that you fantasize so much about.

These books and the movie aren’t about love. They aren’t about sexual pleasure.

They are about abuse. Plain and simple.

Christian Grey isn’t some loving authority figure who is going to lightly smack your hand when you steal a cookie from the cookie jar. The Christian Grey’s of the world are going to knock your teeth out, black your eye and tell you that you’d be better off dead just because they can or because you did or said something they didn’t like.

  • They’re going to leave lasting scars that will never heal.
  • They will always have a mental hold over you that no matter how hard you try, you can’t get free of.
  • They will damage you in ways that you never thought possible and leave you crying in the corner when they’re done with you.
  • They don’t love you. They can’t. You’re not human to them. You’re nothing more than a possession, a pet or as someone once said to me, “You’re nothing more than a piece of meat to him.”  That really is all I was. All of the abuse above and all of the stuff I still won’t talk about turned him on. It was sexually gratifying for him to hurt me.
  • They have the capability and eventually will kill you.
  • And even after the the relationship is over, they will continue to haunt you at night, try to ruin you with the people you love and put all of the blame on you. They will never accept responsibility for what they do or have done and instead will attempt to find excuses to explain it all away. To this day, if you ask his friends and family, I am still 100% to blame for everything that happened while we were together.
  • The will never change because to change they’d have to admit there was a problem.

With all of that being said, I’m sure that there are people who live that type of lifestyle without the abuse. I’m also pretty convinced at this point that those people are few and far between. I have multiple friends who either actively live it or did at one point and of the group, I can only think of ONE couple who aren’t actually in an abusive relationship. Out of the 20 or so couples I’m thinking of is a pretty low statistic.

It has been almost 5 years since I left. In that time, I’ve started my own business, cemented a future for my family and yes, I’ve re-married. It took years for me to trust a man fully again, but even so, I still struggle, on a daily basis, with healing. There are things that I still have issues with or struggle with that are left over from my own personal Christian Grey.

I will struggle for the rest of my life because at my core, because of the damage, I am still broken. 

  • I still have nightmares and wake up panicked and crying. Tom simply rolls over and holds me until I fall back to sleep while I beg for it to be daylight and just hold on to him when he can’t magically make it go “poof! Daytime!.”  I actually can’t fall asleep without someone beside me and on nights when I am alone; I don’t sleep. I need someone there to chase the monsters away and beats back the things that go bump in the night.
  • I still struggle with success and the thought process that I am not good enough for it. I still hear those words – “worthless,” “better off dead,” – echoing in the recesses of my mind.
  • I still flinch or duck and cover when someone around me moves too quickly.
  • I still can’t tolerate someone standing behind me.
  • I still can’t wear a necklace or anything on my neck.
  • I can’t go into an unfinished basement without panicking.
  • I still shy away from an angry person. My husband tends to deal with people in our lives if they’re upset because I instantly go into hide mode.
  • I hide who I really am from the people around me because allowing them to see the”real” me increases the chances that I will be hurt again. Yes. It is utterly exhausting being two “different” people all of the time.

I’m not going to urge you not to see the movie. I’m not going to say to not read the books. While I don’t think the books should have ever been published or the movie made, you’re all adults and can make your own decisions. This post has been incredibly taxing on my mind and honestly I need to go be in a quiet place for a while so I’m simply going to end this by saying this:

If  you are in an abusive relationship, don’t stay. Don’t wait until it really is too late. Don’t let fear keep you there until you or God forbid your kids are hurt or worse. I know you may feel that you can’t, but please trust me when I say that you can make it and you will survive without him. If you need immediate help, please call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They have advocates that can help you in 170 languages and all calls are kept confidential. Use a neighbors phone if you need or pick up a cheap prepaid phone if you can risk it.

And if by chance after reading this post, you’ve decided not to see the movie? Consider taking the $10 or so that you would have spent on your ticket and donating it to your local women’s shelter. I know they’d be grateful to receive it. If you don’t have a local shelter, you can donate to the National Domestic Violence Hotline on their website HERE.

One last thing: I realize there is a chance that some who read this will actually know the man I’ve talked about it this post. Some of you may actually be friends with him. I ask that you make your own decisions regarding him, but that you know this. Yes, he is mentally ill, but he is also incredibly talented at pulling the wool over people’s eyes. Mental illness is never an excuse to do to someone what he did to me.


Stacy Ott
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Stacy Ott

Stacy Ott is the face and brain behind the frugal living and lifestyle blog Six Dollar Family.By the age of 30, Stacy had overcome an alcohol addiction, a drug addiction, divorce, survived domestic violence and had built a life for herself and her daughter after spending 10 months in a homeless shelter. Stacy is passionate about homeless advocacy and addiction education.  Her first book, also called Six Dollar Family is available on Amazon.

I earned over $100,000 blogging last year! Click here to learn how to start a blog and make money blogging!
Stacy Ott
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  1. This is the kind of thing that gives BDSM a bad name. This was not a BDSM relationship. This was abuse, with a cover of BDSM. True BDSM is 100% consensual by both parties.

    • If you read the post, I didn’t target BDSM as a whole. I targeted men like Christian Grey. I actually said too that I know of at least 2 couples who live a true BDSM lifestyle with NO abuse. Unfortunately, the Christian Grey’s of the world far out number those who aren’t abusive about it…which is why I felt the need to write this post. Thanks for the comment though.

    • The article is not about BDSM it’s about the obsessive controlling behavior that is depicted in 50 shades by Christian Grey. I have to say the book creeped me out completely and I only finished the books because my husband (who doesn’t read books) bought them for me because he heard the Sexpo rant about it. It was completely disturbing and I had to emotionally prepare myself to read the books. I have to say Stacy, I feel for you, it is beyond imagination what you went through, even with your descriptions. And I have to add that I’m so happy for your escape, and I hope this article goes to saving a couple of young and not so young women from thinking a controlling person is romantic. It is despicable what you had to go through and I pray one day you will be able to work through it and put it behind you. Best of wishes for your future and thank you so much for putting into words what my mind shied from thinking with those books

  2. Yes her relationship was straight up abuse. But how many couples are going to get into a consensual BDSM relationship and it will turn into abuse. Even if it isn’t physically hurting anyone, mental abuse could stem from this and the person won’t say anything because its satisfying their partner. It could also trigger real physical abuse later because the person realizes that this type of sexual gratification is amazing and will need to do more and more things to their partner to satisfy it. I think that’s what Stacy is trying to get at. Christian Grey is a fictional character there are many out there who may act like that but turn out to be scum in real life.

  3. Thank you for this post…I absolutely despise the fact that these books and movie are out there, glamorizing and sensualizing something that is destructive to the core!

  4. Both your ex and Christian Grey are abusive @$$*#($. They use terms from the BDSM lifestyle and try to make it sound like its normal for that culture, but it’s not. True BDSM is about fulfilling the needs of both parents and the illusion of control. Sadly, due to this book/movie, many women whose partner is abusive may end up believing its okay. Yes, I know “its just a book” but we all know the media influences how people think, especially if you’ve studied advertising/marketing at all.

    I am more sorry than I can say for what you went through. There is a reason women that are abused stay far to often. Mental & emotional abuse are used to cripple you into thinking you aren’t capable of making it on your own, that you don’t deserve any better. As the daughter of a woman that finally left, I know your daughter will one day thank you.

  5. I hate these books and the movie that is coming!! This is NOT an example of love!! It is control, anger, codependency and should not be in our popular culture. I know of some who have a BDSM relationship and it isn’t like the book. It isn’t for me but I can’t tell them not to do it. I just know that these books and movie are not a good example of that lifestyle, either.
    It is NOT love!!!

  6. I just want to commend you for your bravery in speaking your truth. It cannot be easy to put such intimate details out there for the world to see and judge you for them. I have no experience with that kind of lifestyle or with the book/movie and while I don’t support generalizations of lifestyles (how almost all relationships like this will become abuse) I think that it is very important that people go in with their eyes open and in the heat of the moment may not realize that this kind of relationship could take a horrible turn and I think your story hopefully will make someone realize when that line has been crossed for them. As far as your ex is concerned,what he did was abuse. As soon as you were not a willing participant it became abuse, regardless of whatever type of relationship you had previously. I am not sure I agree with judging the book/movie without reading or seeing it but I appreciate where your heart is coming from and wish you the best in your recovery and hope that you are also utilizing professional resources (counseling, support groups, etc) as well in your quest to heal and help others along the way.

    • Nora, I actually read more of it than I originally implied in the book. I made it more than half way through (for me that translates to “about half-way, LOL”). As far as generalizing, maybe I didn’t comment on it enough int he post, but I do realize and want to make it clear that NOT ALL BDSM relationships are like that. Unfortunately, a vast majority of them ARE. Spend a little time on a forum related to the topic and you would see how correct I am on that. Thanks so much for the comment 🙂

  7. Katherine Leighty says:

    I wish you would have written about how you got away and what made you finally decide to leave! You truly lived with an abuser who took it to the nth! He should be in jail! No empathy…sorry but saying he was really screwed up just isn’t what you should be saying to yourself! Forgiving is fine but never mitigate the actions, honey! It sounds like you have much to work through! you are in my prayers! I have no interest in the book or movie….it is twisted as “porno” is described! Sorry but I don’t participate or support pornography in any way and believe that it is responsible for much of the skew in sexuality in this country…many blessings and thank you for sharing your experience and heart!

    • Katherine, I worded it that way at the end because we share mutual friends who know his new girlfriend (or whatever she is by now). Screwed up was just a polite way to end it. I don’t harbor him any negative thoughts about him, even after it all. I truly don’t even think about him at all. That is the only reason. As for how I left? I literally just left. My daughter and I spent a few months in a homeless shelter while I picked myself up and then went home to my family once I could get back (after I left them once to go back to him mind you, which I mentioned in the post.).

  8. Erin Castillo says:

    I read your story and then about a half hour later came across this Psychiatrist that urges women to not feed on this book and backs up everything you shared — how it’s not a fairy tale ending. You can read the article here if interested… I know Jesus can heal the deepest of wounds. Praying that you know Him and if not, that you will. <3

  9. I am so glad you got out. So many don’t. However, don’t sell yourself short. He isn’t just screwed up. He should be in jail. He is teaching his sons that this is how to treat women. He will or one of his kids will eventually kill someone because he has made it ok in his mind and theirs.
    You take care of you! You owe him nothing and yourself everything. Continue to heal in whatever way you can. Please consider a therapist if you haven’t.
    Much love.

  10. Thank you for sharing your story. One can only admire such strength 🙂

  11. This movie is going to do a lot for predators and narcissistic men. The whole ‘dominate’ thing is not what women think it is about. It’s about pain and suffering. Yours. Thank you for being brave enough to post this.

  12. Thank you for sharing. It must be very hard. I want all those young woman out their to reconsider inflicting this ‘entertainment’ onto themselves. I pray for you. We need to be shown what love is and not the distortion of something completely opposite. Let me tell you readers in case you don’t know, the first rule of love is to not allow or help the other person to sin. love is not harmful or jealous. IT Is Kindness and giving. And in my oppinion I do think the intention of these books and movie with only cause multitude of destruction.

  13. WOW! I’ve been promoting reasons NOT to watch 50 Shades of Grey on my FB page for a few weeks now…shared some posts from a Christian standpoint, which got met with a LOT of my friends telling me that there’s nothing wrong with fantasizing….YOUR post is the most convincing one I’ve read on why 50 Shades isn’t good for you. I will admit that I read the books, only because they were sent to me via PDF form free from a friend and I was also recuperating from a major operation and also under the influence of narcotics.

    Thank you Stacy for sharing your story! Hugs to you!

  14. Thank you for this post. I can honestly say that I’ve never read these books and have no intention of ever reading them. Many of my friends have read them, and have told me all about them. But all that I hear when they describe how “wonderful” they are is control and abuse. As someone that has had to ask for permission to do something, I really don’t feel the need to read a “love” story about that. I’ve spent 10 years working on getting past it, and I have to applaud you for I’ve still not gotten to the point that I can trust someone enough to let them in the way you have with your husband. I do see a therapist, and we are working on it.
    Thank you for sharing your story and pointing out the brutal truth about how damaging these books (and now movie) really are.

    • Ricki, you are more than welcome to email me anytime you need an ear from someone who has been there. You can get me at stacy at adventuresincoupons dot com. Thanks for sharing and you will get past it. Each of us moves at our own pace.

  15. it takes a lot of courage to tell your story. I hate that such evil is having its way with young men and women in the world. Didn’t read the book, won’t see the movie, no desire to see abuse. I’m 60 so this is probably just a rehash of 9 1/2 Weeks,which I didn’t see either. I do know that this is not the way
    God wants us to have intimacy with our spouse.

  16. Melissa McCarthy says:

    Wow. It couldn’t have been easy writing this. Thank you for sharing. I have no desire to read the books or see the movie. It sickens me to see how much money that trash is raking in. Your comment – That is the Christian Grey you fantasize about – hits the nail on the head. Shame on the author and Hollywood for glamorizing domestic violence. Stay strong on your journey to healing, my dear. You deserve all of this hard-earned success.

  17. Tamara Neilson says:

    I never liked the idea of these books. I also want to commend you on your bravery when it comes to your story…it needs to be heard b/c there are too many impressionable people out there. I do know there is a bdsm culture but the book was not “that” to me. It was more of some enamored female trying to please some guy for the wrong reasons. More like some sort of stockholm syndrome thrust on top of it all. Don’t get me started on the horrific writing. This entire thing spiraled from twilight’s fan fiction site…some lady had written a very “tawdry” tale of bella/edward (goes to show how many viewed that in itself but I don’t feel badly about twilight) – anyway it gained a lot of attention & then a book deal. It glamorizes something where there is a fine line on what it is…opening pandora’s box is what comes to mind for me. Never liked this or saw this story as a love story to swoon over. And it’s not that I mind erotic parts either…it’s not seen as love to me. I’m more of a “the notebook” kind of girl! I’d read a more erotic version of that lol! Again, thank you for being so candid.

  18. Thank you For sharing such difficult memories. It needs to be heard and I love the idea of donating the movie money. I will never read the books or see the movie.

  19. I am so extremely sorry to hear about your experience. I have never gone through anything even remotely similar and while I quite enjoyed the books and the movie, I can not imagine the thought of myself or my husband partaking in BDSM. Him and I actually saw it together on Valentine’s Day and were discussing it and and I know that is not something we would ever be into. I would like to say, the first book makes Christian Grey seem extremely twisted and shows how he is as he refers to as “50 shades of ‘f*cked up.” The movie ends in a horrible cliff hanger which makes him look even worse than the first book ends, but through out the series of the books, Anastasia changes him and their relationship was not co-erced, forced or only on his terms. Also, I think the fact he draws up a contact with his ‘submissives’ in the beginning and lets them know that it isn’t going to be a relationship with “flowers and romance, etc” is also totally different than a man pretending to be someone he isn’t until you get married and then forcing his BDSM lifestyle on someone. Believe me, I am not saying the books portray some type of healthy relationship, I am just saying, it is very consentual in the manner in which it is portrayed and the backlash everyone is giving it doesn’t really seem to be giving it the credit there where it is due. It also doesn’t seem to focus on the fact that Ana eventually pulls him from that type of lifestyle, or at the very least moderates it to where it is also very loving and very sensual as well. I very much see where you are coming from with what you have been through, and it is totally understandable why you would not read the books, or watch the movies. I can’t imagine that would bring up anything but horrible, traumatic memories and I applause you for sharing your story and for even trying to read the book in the first place. However, overall, I feel like like the book and movie are receiving far too much criticism because it is being read by an audience far too young to be reading/watching it and honestly that is the parent’s job to moderate. As a mother to two young boys myself, I know the difficulty in keeping children from watching things they shouldn’t, but as parents, especially mothers, it is ultimately our jobs, not the retailer’s selling the books or the theatre’s selling the ticket’s to shield our children from this type of material in which they are far too young to be reading/seeing.

  20. Hi Stacey; I think your incredibly brave, not just for leaving but also for allowing yourself to access that painful time in your life to educate women and hopefully save some from that hell. You wrote this post so eloquently I could almost feel the hurt and panic you endured, please know that you deserve all the success & love that you have.

  21. Stacy; I have listened to people who run dungeons and live the BDSM life style. I personally do not condone abuse of any kind and they know this. I have told the people who are slaves that they need to get out and not look back. I have been told by people who call themselves Dominants that slaves have all of the power and can stop anytime. I do not agree. The demoralization of the human psyche cuts deep. I am not friends with any person that thinks abuse in any form is okay or normal. Your testimony only enforces the cruelty involved. You were one of the lucky ones that had the wherewithal to leave. I am so glad that you have a new life full of love, hope and promises.

  22. Thank you for having the guts to share your personal story. I’m so glad for you that you are out of that now and have someone who truly loves you. You are special. You are important. I hope you find complete healing. I think a good example of what true love looks and sounds like comes from I Corinthians 13:… “4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends….13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

  23. You were brave to share this and I thank you for helping protect women by sharing your experience.

  24. Very courageous of you to post this. So sorry you had to be a victim of such vile sickness. But maybe your story will keep others from falling victim to other psychotic men who only want to hurt women. I think woman are subtly genetically programmed to be subservient to men as they are protectors in general. But sometimes this desire for subservience is taken to the the extreme on both sides. It becomes a sickness all its own even in the women that desire it like so many who enjoy these books. Women should recognize this desire in them and see beyond it. It does not lead to anything healthy in a relationship.

  25. You are so brave for sharing this and I know it will help someone who is going through a similar situation. I think you have to at some point share the entire ordeal in order to truly and completely heal. Hopefully you have forgiven him but if not I ask that you forgive yourself for staying. Please forgive yourself for that. You were not to blame here. You were manipulated, brainwashed and flat-out terrorized. Please forgive yourself Stacy. Please. You are safe now. You are sane. You made it out with your life and your sanity. God will grant you serenity. Thank you Tom for loving her through the pain. You both are so inspirational.

  26. Thank you so much for this post! I was abused by a trusted family member as a child and it started with teasing me about not wanting to look at pornographic magazines. I see now that set me up for a lifetime of abuse. It infuriates me that people not only condone “entertainment” that glorifies abuse but many of us who are brave enough to speak out against it are ridiculed for being “prudes”. I truly don’t understand when it became okay to insult someone for their dislike of something.

  27. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so brave. I’m thankful you were able to get out of that situation, and that you and Tom found each other. *hugs*

  28. Thank you for your post. I am so sorry for what you went through. I find these books disgusting and evil. Your post reminded me quite a bit of my stepdad, though I wouldn’t know about his and my mom’s sex life. The way he spoke with my mom and I caused us to feel completely worthless. He too was very charming when my mom first met him. It wasn’t until about a year after they married that the abuse started. She was already broken from a lifetime of abuse. His abuse only compounded her feelings of worthlessness. She stayed for about 13 years. She left several times but he cut off all sources of money and all she felt she could do was return. He was the worst thing to ever happen to my family. It’s been 6 years since I have been around him but I still have nightmares of his terrifying rage filled tantrums and his hate filled words. I’m glad you were able to get away and your daughter doesn’t have to grow up in that life.

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